By now, I’m sure we’ve all seen Bill O’Reilly’s meltdown on the Inside Edition set, but have you seen it from the producer’s side?

Thanks to BarelyPolitical, now we can!

Enjoy Bill O’Reilly’s Producer won’t you? Thank you!

Video Village | 3 Comments »

Moondoggie: I see dead people…They’re — everywhere! And they’re not — brushing me!

And Riley: I find that with the simple use of natural back-lighting, I can increase my aura of Evil by 18%, with no concomitant rise in energy costs.

Wild Things | 1 Comment »

I don’t mean to poach on Roy’s estate, but one of his commenters announced that Rod Dreher, the Con Who Stays Crunchy Even In Blood Of The Lamb, was talking about balls. So naturally I had to click over to Beliefnet, because I’ve long been fascinated by the rituals of Orthodox Teabagging — the incense, the chanting, the liturgical tapdancing — and figured that Rod, being a pious acetic who survives on a diet of locusts, wild honey, and schadenfreude, would have the inside scuttlebuttplug.

First, a little background. A Catholic priest named Arthur Mallison resigned from his parish in McKinney, Texas after it was revealed that he had posted on Saint Sebastian’s Angels, a website for gay clergy.

“There was a faction in the parish that had started a nationwide campaign to put pressure on Father,” said Annette Gonzales-Taylor, a Diocese of Dallas spokesperson.Mallison was assigned to St. Michael’s in McKinney just weeks ago. Some members discovered the website and started writing about it on blogs in Illinois and Georgia

The diocese said the pressure on the priest was too much.

“He was trying to spare all of the parties pain, disappointment or embarrassment,” Gonzales-Taylor said.

The Vatican issued an edict in November of 2005 clarifying the church’s position on gay clergy. The Pope said priests should be celibate regardless of their orientation.

“They don’t want sexually active homosexual priests,” Gonazales-Taylor said. “All of our priests are expected to remain celibate and live a celibate lifestyle.”

The diocese said even though Mallison didn’t violate church policy, he resigned because he didn’t want misinformation and perception to hurt the parish nor the diocese.

Mallison was a priest at St. Francis of Assisi in Lancaster for 10 years before moving to McKinney. The diocese said he could be assigned to another Dallas area parish.

Some people might feel this was persecution, since the diocese has been careful to say that Fr. Mallison “has done nothing that violates church policy,” but Rod has gotten his hands on a private email from the priest which proves that he likes coffee!

Stephen Brady at Roman Catholic Faithful provided me this undated e-mail from the St. Sebastian’s site, written by Fr. Art Mallinson, who resigned his new pastorate in north Texas yesterday after his participation in the online site a few years back became an issue.

Roman Catholic Faithful is a website whose mission statement reads, in part:

we are Catholics who are faithful to the teachings of the Holy Father and the Magisterium of the Roman Catholic Church. Some of our members are priests, others are religious, but most are ordinary laity. Our diverse membership has a common goal — to fight actively and spiritually to restore Holy Mother Church.

Why was RCF founded? In 1994, Stephen Brady of Petersburg, IL began protesting the fact some Eucharistic ministers and others in his local parish were responsible, either as teachers in the public school or as members of the school board, for instructing his children in the use of condoms.

But back to Rod’s efforts to actively and spiritually restore Holy Mother Church by steaming open other peoples’ mail…

Fr. Mallinson’s e-mail to the secret society reads:

I have been stalked once — due to a chat conversation. I was planning on meeting this guy for coffee sometime in the future. In the course of a chat I mentioned a place that I often visited and when I would go. I thought nothing of it. But then one day this total stranger tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I was K___, my on line nick [sic] — I freaked! He came to watch me and check me out!I never thought I would feel this way — and I wasn’t doing anything untoward. He didn’t even know I was gay — but I knew that he was. And he knew I was a priest … even though he didn’t know my real name. But the idea that someone had come to look at me while I was unaware … very strange.

We strike a ballance [sic] on this list — we confided feelings and secrets that we couldn’t utter anywhere else — and feel liberated in doing so, while at the same time — keeping a level of distance or anonimity [sic] for security. It’s a bit strange and scarry [sic] at times — but what options do we have?

Well, you could try living out your vow of celibacy, for one. Or joining a support group of priests struggling to deal with their sexuality in healthy ways, and not dealing with it by arranging anonymous encounters on the Internet.

As one of Rod soft-hearted commenters bleated, “priests lead lonely lives,” but that’s no excuse for planning to have coffee with someone in the future, because personally I’ve never had a cup of java that didn’t lead directly to intercourse. Let’s be honest…barista’s just another word for pimp.

There’s a lot of pathos in this, actually. The skulking, the clandestine meeting arranged on the Internet, the loneliness, the burden of his secret and his desires. No one can deny the frail humanity of a man in this priest’s position.

I have to admit, Rod is showing more Christian charity, more simple human empathy than I would have given him credit for, even if it does come with two scoops of creepy voyeurism.

But…

Spoke too soon.

I deeply doubt that anyone so conflicted about the tension between his nature and his calling as a celibate priest has any business in active ministry. Surely Father Mallinson’s superiors at the chancery when this was discovered must have been able to see that here was a priest in crisis. And yet?

And yet the diocese hints that Fr. Mallison could be foisted onto some other, unsuspecting parish without him even  molesting someone first, which I understand from Church tradition is a prerequisite for this sort of favoritism.

How has he resolved this crisis? It cannot be a matter of indifference to his parishioners, or those who may yet be under his spiritual authority. It shouldn’t be to his bishop either.

Unless his bishop is also part of the worldwide homosexual cabal that has penetrated the Catholic Church, according to the Seattle Catholic:

If those responsible for discipline of bishops are unable or unwilling to take decisive action against an openly homosexual dissident with perverse fantasies, what action can be expected from bishops much more discreet? Worse yet, combining this unlikely prospect of ecclesial discipline with the “openness” of American seminaries to homosexuals for at least the past thirty-five years and the unofficial estimate of a 30%-50% “gay” clergy, how many of the 300+ bishops or thousands of individuals in positions of Church authority are homosexual themselves?

And who’s to say the College of Cardinals hasn’t been entirely subverted by homosexuals? Perhaps that white puff of smoke that emerges from their Conclave doesn’t signal the selection of a new pope, but is simply evidence that they’ve got a steam room going in there. Why, this conspiracy could reach all the way to the red Prada Shoes of the Fisherman himself!

But where, I hear you cry, does the teabagging come in? Well, some of Rod’s raders felt his post (and some of the resulting comments) had the quality of a witch hunt, since the priest in question hadn’t been accused of doing anything more than belonging to a website where men who could not be candid about their sexuality in public sought understanding and sympathy. But to which Rod righteously thundered:

“Witch hunt”? Oh, please. The last refuge of someone who cannot defend the accused on the merits. Five minutes spent looking at the SSA website reveals that to be a complete canard.

John: While St. Sebastian’s Angels might be shocking, the little bit that I looked at made clear to me that these men are desperate for community.

Was it the tape loop of the ejaculating penis that led you to this conclusion, John? Was it the bare bottoms of the men at the beach? Was it the priest who posted that he’d had his balls sucked through the tip of his penis?

Say what you want about Rod’s conclusions, you can’t deny that the man does his homework.

Teh GAYZ! | 9 Comments »

I was planning on writing an entertaining yet profoundly wise post that would solve one of society’s most pressing problems (perhaps “Is Wearing White Before Labor Day Responsible for the Moral Decline of Our Nation?” or “Which Candidate Will Tap Suri Cruise for VP?”).  However, after 2 trips to the vet, three visits to Pet Smart, and caring for the latest foster cat (a 4-week old kitten who apparently ran away from home to show his mother that she wasn’t the boss of him), I’m really, really tired.

So, let me just share one exciting discovery with you: after havinng exchanged the sordid world of NRO for the more womanly sphere of church, kitchen and children, Meghan Cox Gurdon has once again left the kids to fend for themselves and is writing weekly opinion columns for the SF Examiner. 

Her most recent columns are about how liberals are really not our sort of people, and how Obama and Hillary Clinton are big poopie heads.  Thus, we have to go back a few weeks to find out what we REALLY want to know: what happened to the kids?  Let us now peruse Moving on schedule to minivan martyrdom to see what we can learn about what the adorable tikes have been up to since we saw them last.

Jump in, or we’ll be late!” Three girls fling in their school backpacks and we zoom off to another school. Two girls leap out, calling for their brother.

From this we can conclude that middle girls Jujube and Rhythm Method are still alive, attend some sort of school, and are searching for their sainted brother Apotheosis, who presumably doesn’t ride with the rest of the family, as he takes the Popemobile to school.  The third girl is probably the eldest child, Mimosa, who wisely claims to be adopted.

The toddler, strapped in her car seat, keeps repeating “Whacka Bamba,” which is the hard-to-pronounce name of some fellow she keeps hearing about on the car radio.

Aw, little Turnip has learned to talk!  And she has developed such a delightful lisp!  (Wait for the copyright infringement suit by Gnat Lileks.)  And note that Turnip’s childish prattle, like that of the other Gurdon children before her, is not just endearing, but also reveals deep truths about how the liberals are just not our sort of people, and how the Democrats are all poopie heads.

The rest of us return home, where a neighborhood girl is waiting to play.

That would be Jonah Goldberg, who is always hanging around the youngest Gurdon kids, trying to steal material for his next column.  (It’s an open secret in conservative circles that 6-year-old Creme Brulee Gurdon is the uncredited ghost writer of Liberal Fascists.)

At hyper-speed, I saute vegetables, load a rice cooker, sear chicken and pop into the oven two unbaked loaves that I assembled in the morning,

Uh oh!  Is Meghan trying to tell us that in the midst of preparing the children’s nutritious and wholesome gruel, she conceived twins???

conscious all the time of a dozen approaching deadlines.

Yeah, it’s tough being a conservative columnist mother these days with only one full-time foreign nanny to your name.

Anyway, as the piece continues, Meghan has to chauffeur little Paisley to her ballet class, so that the girl can learn such cherished conservative virtues as tutu fluffing, chain smoking, and masochism.  Her older sister Grenada signs up for art class, heroin addiction, and a trendy form of bisexuality.  Meghan then has to take Brother Apotheosis and sister Reagana to martial arts class, where the kids learn tai kwando, self discipline, and how to get assassination gigs via blind ads in Soldier of Fortune magazine. But by the time Meghan gets everyone home, she’s frazzled, the kids are in violation of child welfare laws, and Meghan’s loaves of bread are hard and stale (which presumably means that her newly conceived twins are going to be Fox News weather bimbos when they grow up).

So, having learning a valuable lesson about how busy Meghan is, how much she does for her children, and how her kids are way better than yours, let us bid a fond farewell to the Gurdons.  Pleasant dreams, everyone!

Uncategorized | 22 Comments »

No. Really. You Need To See It.

What?! You’re still here?!! Go. Just go see it, for the love of Stan Lee go see it!! And for the Love of All That is Good and GEEKY–STAY THROUGH THE END OF THE CREDITS.

Movies, Tinsel Town Talk, Video Village | 7 Comments »

Moondoggie:

Sometimes I think my head is so big because it’s full of dreams…
…Then I remember it’s the size of a tennis ball…

And Riley:

Look, when we say Cat Blogging we mean CAT blogging…
Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go mock Jonah Goldberg’s latest LA Times column…

Wild Things | 3 Comments »

According to Reuters…

KINSHASA (Reuters) - Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Somewhere, in an undisclosed, but no longer secure location, Dick Cheney jerks awake in a cold sweat…

Reports of so-called penis snatching

Well that — oh forget it. I’m not even gonna bother….

are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.

…and where most gynecological exams are performed by dentists.

Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo’s sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows

Unfortunately, Rush had a guest host that day. Apparently he was detained at the airport after returning from a recent golf outing in sub-Saharan Africa.

MORE good news! | 16 Comments »

From the weekend box office totals at Deadline Hollywood Daily:

The only other newcomer in the Top 10 was conservative commentator Ben Stein’s documentary, Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed which makes the intelligent design argument. Playing in 1,052 theaters, the pic distributed by Rocky Mountain Pictures fell over the weekend from 8th to 10th place after earning $1.2M Friday and $989K Saturday for a $2.9M weekend. But the per screen average for Friday was a low $1,145 and for Saturday $940 (and $2,830 for the entire weekend), showing there wasn’t much pent-up demand for the film despite an aggressive publicity campaign on right-wing media. So much for the conservative argument that people would flock to films not representing the “agenda of liberal Hollywood”. (Just for comparison purposes: left-wing Michael Moore’s most recent Sicko did $4.4 mil its opening weekend from only 441 theaters, and his Fahrenheit 9/11 did $23.9M its opening weekend from 868 venues.)

That aggressive publicity campaign may actually be to blame for the disappointing turnout, setting expectations for an action-packed, high octane rollercoaster ride of a film that no adenoidal ex-Nixon staffer could possibly satisfy. For instance, World Net Daily’s story on the film was titled: Ben Stein to battle Darwin in major film.

Now that’s a movie I’d pay to see, even if the headline turned out to be literal, and the film involved nothing more than Ben Stein rolling around on the floor with Darwin’s worm-eaten remains for 90 minutes, because I’m pretty sure he’d still get his ass kicked. Instead, we get this:

In the movie, Stein, who is also a lawyer, economist, former presidential speechwriter, author and social commentator, is stunned by what he discovers – an elitist scientific establishment that has traded in its skepticism for dogma. Even worse, say publicists for the feature film

Well, I guess we’ll never know what was worse, because the preceding six words are the universal signal to STOP. READING.

Waaah! | 41 Comments »

Finally, Abstinence Only sex education reaches its logical conclusion with this exciting new program!

You know, life is short, and masturbation is not the answer, especially when there’s a skeleton with a giant clock watching you wank, because, you know, talk about performance anxiety!

Just look around you, time is moving very fast without stopping ,
The clock is ticking are you listening to it?
Just look back when you were a child, was it far away in the distance past?

No, no it was almost like yesterday. Time is moving so fast that you can wake up and you will be 70 or 80 years old and without realizing it.

Life is very short.
Finally, find the truth about Masturbation and what you can do to stop it.
Learn how to make the most of your life now!

While you’re whacking off, Vietnamese moppets in Ho Chi Minh City are making our sneakers, Indians in Mumbai are processing our credit card payments and applications, and Romanians IT guys are taking our tech support calls. In today’s fast-paced, global economy, you just can’t afford to take the time to masturbate, unless you’ve got some efficient, reliable porn that allows you to successfully rub one out while your bagel is toasting.

But let’s not panic. Perhaps you’re not one of those sorry wretches in thrall to the Goddess of the Manual Arts, squandering the precious moments of your life in a squalid, squelching slick of bodily fluids and artificial lubricants. But you’d better take the quiz just to make sure (check all statements that apply…)

I want to know the real effect on my health of frequent masturbation. Is it “ok” or does it really destroy my health, as I feel it does. I want to find a scientific answer to this, and if it affects my health negatively I want to know how to overcome it.

Sounds like you need the kind of scientific answers that only an e-book sold exclusively through a poorly spelled website can provide!

I am masturbating

As we speak? Man, you have got it bad!

and I feel inside my self that it is wrong , however I can’t stop doing it. After I masturbate I feel guilty I want to overcome this habit.

Well, it might ease your guilt if you didn’t dress like a nun whenever you beat off.

I have been masturbating for many years now

Braggart.

and I want to get rid of this habit. I tried many times to stop it, but always, after a few days, I come back to watch pornographic content on the Internet and in movies. I have a sincere desire to stop it.

…until they update Candid Cameltoe again.

I masturbate often while watching pornographic sites on the net.

Yep. Sounds like you’ve grasped the concept all right.

I spend much valuable time which prevents me from doing other important activities. I feel that it is time to overcome the habit of masturbation.

If setting aside sufficient time to accomplish your goals is the issue, may I suggest you read The 7 Habits of Highly Horny People?

I want to know if it is a “good” or “bad” thing to masturbate.

Depends how you’re doing it. If you’re chafing, it’s probably “bad.”

I want to know with a scientific rather than a dogmatic explanation.

Dude, you are so making me hot.

After masturbation I feel exhausted , like I have lost my strength. I understand that this is not a positive situation, and I want to do something to overcome it.

If you’re winded after jerking off, time management may not be your biggest problem.

After I masturbate I become aggressive to my partner and often this leads me to destructive and negative actions. I am the cause of this, since after masturbating I become more anxious and nervous.

That must be an interesting household…

“Hi baby, I’m home.”

“Fuck off!”

“Wha–? Have you been masturbating?!”

“I…I don’t know what you–Augh!! Make the skeleton stop looking at me!!”

I see successful people and want to become like them. I understand that I spend most of my time in masturbation and that they don’t and I am willing to take action to overcome this habit once for all.

“To begin with, I’m going to widen my stance…”

I want to watch pornographic content on the Internet all the time although I don’t masturbate.

I’m just a connoisseur of ass pimples.

I know inside myself that this habit is not a positive one because it is taking the time that I could use to do something which is more fulfilling and constructive.

Like listening to music with my speakers off.

But is masturbation really a problem? Especially if your mom doesn’t catch you?

The Problem of Masturbation

• Masturbation destroys your health

• You waste your valuable time on masturbation

Actually, as any reader of this blog will tell you, my time isn’t really all that valuable.

• Weakens your ability to make money (since you spend most of your valuable time watching pornographic content and then masturbating)

• Destroys your marriage or your relationship with your partner

• Makes you feel guilty after masturbation (inferiority complex)

“I’m a lousy masturbator. I couldn’t masturbate my way out of a damp grocery bag…!”

• Prevents you from having better sex with your partner

• Creates a negative psychology that can affect your business life

“I was going to sign the contracts, Mr. Stevens, but I just can’t help thinking that at some point, you’ve been swabbing the knob.”

• Prevents you from making your life’s dream come true (since you spend most of your valuable time watching pornographic content and then masturbating)

“You’re complaining about masturbating 8 hours a day? Why, when I was a kid, I had to quit school in the fifth grade and start masturbating to help my family. I jerked off 14 hours a day, 6 days a week, and you think that was easy? We didn’t even have internet porn in my day! Why, all I had to work with was a brief glimpse of a dowager’s ankle as she stepped into a brougham!”

• Successful people are not addicted to the habit of masturbation simply because they spend their time doing what is important for them and their loved ones and not in masturbation. Are you willing to take the action and stop the habit of masturbation? or Will you allow this habit to destroy your life completely?Remember life is very short.How many times did you find yourself in a situation like this? When part of your self understood that this it is wrong to sit and spend hours of your unique valuable time browsing or watching pornographic films or websites, but at the same time you couldn’t do anything to avoid doing it?

  You feel and you know that it is not a good thing to do it, but still you are doing it.

And just remember that whenever you masturbate, somewhere there’s a skeleton with a huge Flava Flav clock timing you.

Really? | 28 Comments »

Is it a subdural hematoma? Is it his boyish enthusiasm for oddly named sandwiches? Is it an odor?

Well, whatever it is, Matt’s not letting the miasma of idiocy that surrounds him at all times like a Grand Banks fog deter him from asking the questions that were even too stupid for Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos:

What is it about Obama that Attracts Hamas, Communists, and Domestic Terrorists?

In the 1990s, it was often noted that a great many of Bill Clinton’s friends were either dead or in jail.

Yeah, the same thing was often noted in the 1980s about Nelson Mandela’s friends. That joke never gets old…

Similarly, Barack Obama seems to curry favor with some very questionable characters … Granted, in some cases Obama disavows them (he sort of did this with Rev. Wright’s comments).

Yeah, he kinda gave a speech or somethin’.

In other cases, he has not sought their endorsement (such as anti-semite Louis Farrakhan) –

…but they’re both black, so they gotta know each other.

…but ultimately, people have to wonder what it is about Obama that attracts the support of Hamas, Communists, and domestic terrorists to him ….

That’s a pretty diverse group of interests, so I’m going to guess that Obama is either a uniter, not a divider, or maybe it’s his Hai Karate.

This subject came up in last night’s debate when a question was asked about Bill Akers. Obama served on a board for an anti-poverty group with Bill Akers of the Weather Underground.

To be fair, Obama misheard the introductions and thought he was meeting Angus MacLise of the Velvet Underground.

But of course, he’s a changed man, right? Wrong: In 2001, he told the New York Times, “I don’t regret the bombings.” Last night, Obama responded to questions about this by saying,

This is a guy who lives in my neighborhood, who’s a professor of English in Chicago who I know and who I have not received some official endorsement from. He’s not somebody who I exchange ideas from on a regular basis.

… But, of course, they don’t really know each other that, well, right? Well, last February Obama’s Chief Strategist David Axelrod told Politico’s Ben Smith this:

“Bill Ayers lives in his neighborhood. Their kids attend the same school … They’re certainly friendly, they know each other, as anyone whose kids go to school together.” (Ben Smith, “Ax On Ayers,” The Politico’s “Ben Smith” Blog, www.politico.com, 2/26/08)

Well, I was going to support Obama, before Matt provided this incontrovertible evidence of the Senator’s chicanery: Obama says that Bill Akers lives in his neighborhood and he knows him, and Obama’s own Chief Strategist stabs him in the back by confirming his account! But for some reason, Obama doesn’t see fit to mention that their kids go to school together, and as everyone knows, PTA meetings are hotbeds of violent treason. I remember when I was in Junior High, my mom finally quit the Booster Club in disgust because she wanted to hold a raffle to raise money to buy new marching band uniforms, while all the other mothers only wanted to bomb the Phone Company and levitate the Pentagon.

Well, if domestic terrorists aren’t enough reason for you to raise a red flag about Obama, former Sandanista Rebel Leader Daniel Ortega praised Obama’s campaign as “revolutionary.”

Really? There’s an African-American with a serious chance of being elected to the Presidency of the United States, and Ortega considers that “revolutionary?” Hey, Mustache, you might wanna turn down the hyperbole.

But then, generations of TV pitchwomen said the same thing about laundry detergents with enzymes, and that stuff only made things whiter.

Also, during an interview, a top Hamas political adviser essentially endorsed Obama, saying: “

We don’t mind–actually we like Mr. Obama. We hope he will (win) the election and I do believe he is like John Kennedy, great man with great principle, and he has a vision to change America to make it in a position to lead the world community but not with domination and arrogance…”

… So why do all these people like Obama? Is it that they think he’s amenable to their agenda? Or do they just see him as “green” and inexperienced and malleable?

The question is: Do Americans want someone who — at best – is obviously viewed as so naive and easily influenced running the show, really?

Personally, I’m more comfortable with them blogging about lunch:

My Day

So what’s up with me??

Well, I’ve been following all the news about last night’s Dem debate, as well as the Pope’s visit.

Oh yeah, I also spoke to a group of journalists/politicians from Sweden. That was pretty cool. Following that, I had lunch with Jim “The Show” Eltringham at Lawson’s deli. I had the sandwich called the “Young Republican” (chicken salad and bacon. yum).

I had a very good blog afternoon over at Townhall. Posted like 5 good posts. This gives me a feeling of accomplishment. One of the good things about blogging is that office work often lacks immediate rewards. Unlike someone who “builds” something (a chair, a house, etc.), a lot of time, you can work in an office for weeks without having anything to really “show” for it. But if you post a blog — well that’s one thing you did. (At least, that’s what I tell myself).

I’m looking forward to The Office tonight (did I mention I have an entire blog devoted to that show?).

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? I don’t know. But I do know that whoever the guardians of the democratic process are, they sure do like bacon.

I Pity the Fool | 11 Comments »